Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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