I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
