that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
