I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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