New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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