I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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