Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
