Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
