dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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