Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
