3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
