And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
