wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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