I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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