I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
