When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i just google imaged poop.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
