I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
