He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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