What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
