I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
