I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
