I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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