you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
