I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
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That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
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On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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