Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
