Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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