Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
