woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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