wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
