dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
