I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
i think i just lost a toe
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
