If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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