just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
