so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
