I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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