i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
