Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
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You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
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I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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