Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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