I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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