I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
