You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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