I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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