I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
50% drunk capacity currently
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
