Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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