Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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