I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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