once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
