I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
