Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
