God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He better not be in your backpack
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
