So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
