Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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