You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.