she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
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Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
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The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it