I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
