I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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