Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
