seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
