his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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