shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
