you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
