I just saw a hot homeless man
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
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