dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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