Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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