when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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